


Done With Love

by Fellow_Human_Being



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Friendship comes first, Insecure Lance (Voltron), Intimacy Avoidance, Keith (Voltron) is Bad at Feelings, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, Lance (Voltron)-centric, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Pining Keith (Voltron)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-01
Updated: 2019-05-01
Packaged: 2020-02-10 23:32:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18670621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fellow_Human_Being/pseuds/Fellow_Human_Being
Summary: Lance is fully aware of what it meant to be in love. He’s aware of what it can do to people. That it can be the greatest strength in people, and how it can easily become a significant source of happiness. It can be the biggest vulnerability in people too. He’s conscious of how love can make or crush souls, aware of how love can be sweet one moment then sour the next.Lance chooses to lie to himself that’s he done with the whole finding love thing.





	Done With Love

Lance is fully aware of what it meant to be in love. He’s aware of what it can do to people. That it can be the greatest strength in people, and how it can easily become a significant source of happiness. It can be the biggest vulnerability in people too. He’s conscious of how love can make or crush souls, aware of how love can be sweet one moment then sour the next. 

Lance chooses to lie to himself that’s he done with the whole finding love thing.

Out of everyone, he has a feeling that he experienced the ugly side of love the most. He’s a witness of love destroying his parents; how everything seems sweet when he was young. Only to watch them both burn from the fire of passion and the abusive nature it has become before the divorce. The nights when he was supposed to be sleeping with only worries of nightmares were instead filled with worry for his parents when angry words were exchanged, soon for just his mother when a loud bang shakes the walls and just shouts coming from just his father. How his father took advantage of his mother’s silent to scream all her faults.

It really taught him that sharing faults with your love one can only risk of getting seriously hurt, hurt with wounds that seem to never heal. At least, wounds that Lance’s mother never seemed to heal from. 

Lance tried getting into a relationship despite his trauma. In high school, he pretended that everything was normal and that he can function normally. He failed. Relationships would be strained because of him and lies would slip through his mouth. All the pretending and masking left him drained and broken with something new.

All he can say is that he’s done with love. After high school, he never bothers with dating with anyone again, he was always okay with just flirting and sleeping with others.

It wasn’t even a secret that he doesn’t want to get into a relationship with someone. It was more like people assume he was a hopeless romantic and Lance never have the heart to explain that he’s too scared for love. Which is understandable, he does have that type of personality. Maybe if he wasn’t aware of the bitter side of love, maybe he would have become one.

But when his friends try to set him up with dates in hope for a relationship to blossom, that gets awkward. No one in his friend group asks if he wants to try, already setting it up and hope high for Lance.

Hunk was the first to do so, suddenly claiming to be his wingman while they were hanging out at a party. Stating he was going to make sure Lance get an oh so beautiful relationship. Lance somehow express his point of not wanting anything serious with the guy Hunk successfully hook him up with, and luckily they got to fool around once here and there before they broke it off and Lance told Hunk that it wasn’t meant to be. 

Hunk was disappointed, but Lance found himself grateful to have a wonderful best friend who looks for his best interest.

Then Coran tried setting him up with his niece, Allura and said how she would love him right on the spot if they were to meet. Lance is proud to say that Allura is now one of his best friends that can kick ass. She’s okay with his tendency to use his pick-up lines on her and often would play along. The fact they’re that comfortable without fearing the other actually like them is a plus. 

Lance is happy that Coran’s attempt of getting him in a relationship had found him a new friend, something that’s always welcome.

The last one who attempted is Shiro, but Lance is slightly off put in calling it the last attempt. Considering the fact that Shiro never actually introduce him to anyone, yet Lance never cared enough to think too much about it.

Shiro, approach Lance as if a dad giving his child The Talk, sat Lance down with seriousness and awkwardness before he asked Lance random questions. Questions like if it's okay to ask for his sexuality, preference, type, and if he thinks someone’s choice of fashion matters. Lance, confused on what's going on, gave him the answers.

“I’m bi, I thought you knew this already?” 

“I do, I just wanted to see what you mainly prefer. Guys or girls?” Lance stared at Shiro with wide eyes, unsure to respond. “You don’t have to answer if you’re not comfortable, I’m just asking.”

“No-I’m totally comfortable about it!” Lance almost flinched at his loudness but gave a sigh of relief when Shiro gave a small awkward smile. At least he isn’t the only one feeling awkward about this. At least he isn’t dreading this conversation. “I like girls who are super nice and likes my flirting, kinda like how Nyma was like. Y’know, before she took my car, she was like all kind and listening to me? For guys, I kinda like when they’re more of a challenge or we can just normally hang out and be bros. I prefer guys more though since I personally like to be spoil.” Also, the fact it's easier to get one night stands with them is always there, supported with previous experience.

Shiro raised an eyebrow at the last sentence. “Spoil as in you want gifts or the attention?”

Thoughts of his past relationship from high school occur along with raising questions. Why couldn’t he just admit this confusing issue? This entire conversation makes him wrinkle his nose in distaste before he pushes the thoughts away. “No, I don’t like it when they get me stuff. Makes feel like I need to do something in return. And when they give me all that attention, seems like they expect too much-too much that I can’t give them,” Lance didn’t miss the confused and concern look Shiro gave him. “I meant spoil as in sex."

The concerned look was washed away and Shiro’s face turned red, coughing in his hand to hide his red cheeks. “So-so do you care if someone doesn’t care about fashion?”

“No-not really, though hygiene is a must with me.”  A sudden flashback hit him, a figure with pearl white teeth smiled as Lance gave a matching smile. False smokes fill his lungs, the sudden need to cough and get fresh air in this lungs hits him harder than ever. Everything smelled fake. He was the fakest. “And as long as they don’t smoke or do drugs, I’m all for them.”

Shiro glance at Lance with his concerns back with a vengeance. But before he could ask about the well-being of Lance, Lance beat him to it and ask why he was asking him all these questions. That seems to throw Shiro off, he stumbled and give different excuses or reasonings that don’t connect at all before giving a hard frown, saying he needs to leave. Lance smiled and said bye, wondering who Shiro was trying to set him with.

He didn’t go on a date, either way, Shiro just avoid talking about it ever again and Lance never got the chance to ask about it. Or more like he didn’t care enough to ask Shiro about it.

_____

 

A lot can happen in two months. 

Matt came and visited from college so he can cheer on Pidge in the robotic competition. 

Lance ran into his ex.

Hunk met a lovely girl named Shay and introduced her to the group.

Lance told a lie how he finally got into a nice relationship to the ex.

Keith revealed pictures of Shiro’s emo phase.

Lance stared at his hands, wondering why can’t he be normal for once.

Allura got promoted into an advisor after months of hard work.

Lance got a package from his mama.

……….

Lance opens the package, smiling as he remembers how excited his mama was in the latest Skype call about the blue handmade blanket. When he opens it, he stares inside it for a long time. Lance just stares at it numbly as he remembered the last words his ex muttered, it never failed to repeat in his nightmares.

“I’m glad you were able to find someone. It’s truly a relief that you’ve someone who can make you happy when I couldn’t.”

**But it’s a lie, I can never be happy like that**

Inside the box is the promised blanket but also a letter that Lance could recognize as his mother’s handwriting. ‘ _ I hope you can visit soon with that special someone.  Love, your Mama _ .’

_____

When Lance doesn’t leave his apartment for two weeks, the first one to actually come over, surprising, is Keith.

He groaned as he woke up from harsh knocking at the front door. He slept on the couch this time, found it uncomfortable to sleep somewhere too big and too much space for him, his backache but worth it since he got the 5 hours of sleep. 

Making his way to the door, he grabs his phone has his finger hovering the call button for the landlord. You can never be too safe. 

When he peeks out of the peephole, he relaxes when he sees the mullet. Pocketing his phone and unlocking his door, he placed the biggest grin he can and open the door.

“Hey Mullet, I see you can’t get enough of me!” Keith glared at him but he relaxes his stance slightly and walks in. Rolling his eyes at the rudeness, Lance closed the door and locked it before heading to the kitchen. “And now you’re entering without permission, I’ll say that proves it even more.”

Lance didn’t get a reply, but he didn’t need one, he already knew Keith long enough to know that he’s rolling his eyes and making himself comfy.

From the kitchen, Lance grabs a bag of chips to snack on before going to the living room. “As much as I love seeing your beautiful face, what’s up?”

“What’s up?” Keith started, crossing his arms and sitting up from the couch that he allows himself to sink into momentary. “No one has seen you for two weeks and you’re asking me what’s up? What’s up with you!?”

Lance shrugged, not surprised at the outburst and took a seat on the couch next to Keith with enough plenty of space between them. “I kept contact with you guys, I was just busy to meet up.”

“You didn’t even explain us anything, you just say you’re busy every time we made plans to hang out.”

“Because I was busy.”

“Busy with what?”

Lance glanced at Keith, watching as Keith’s glare held less fire than usual and eyes filled with worry. It was the moment Lance felt weak, watching those violet eyes shining in the living room light, the moment Lance didn’t even give a second thought of what came out of his mouth, the moment Lance wanted to do nothing but break down into the arms of someone warm. “Trying to forget a bad run-in with an ex.”

Keith’s eyes widen, mouthing the word ‘oh’ before his face transition from shock to confusion. Silence lingered for a second, giving Lance time to realize the mistake on his part. 

“I didn’t know you had an ex,” Keith started, drawing out the sentence as if he’s trying to make sense of the situation. “Everyone thought you would have mentioned that-”

“Well, I didn’t.” Lance snapped bitterly, shoving a handful of chips in his mouth.

“But what do you mean a ‘bad-run in’ with them?” Keith asked, ignoring the bitter tone, uncrossing his arms to place his hands in his lap. “Are they like a crazy ex or something?”

Lance shrugged at the question, chewing loudly in hopes to get on Keith’s nerves. Maybe Keith would get annoyed enough that he’ll forget the entire conversation between them. That’s wishful thinking, but it never hurt to try.

“Do we need to call the cops?” Keith asked, eyes filled with worry.

Lance shook his head, suddenly too aware of how this conversation might play out. “He didn’t do anything illegal, it was just unexpected.”

“But if he’s bothering you,” Keith crossed his arms back. “We can have the police, or even security, show him to never mess with you-”

“He didn’t do anything wrong,” Lance felt like a broken recorder, aware of how painful it was going to be to explain himself. “We talked about the past, but I just suck at doing any of that. I’m the bad guy, Keith.”

“Lance-”

“No,” Lance jumped on his feet as Keith softly called for him, his mind telling him to stop Keith from misplacing the blame. This is Lance’s fault and Lance isn’t going to ignore it. “I literally ghosted him because I was tired. We met and we were so madly in love, but then I wasn’t happy.”

“I smiled and laughed but each time I did, I just thought how restraining it was. I tried to talk about my feelings but then he got hurt. I asked for days of space and he would feel at his lowest. I wanted him to be happy but I couldn’t do it. And instead of telling him and figuring things out-”

“He didn’t do anything wrong.” Lance rushed out, his grip on the bag of chips crushing it slightly. “It was me, I couldn’t-I still can’t-meet all those expectations and I just…”

Lance inhale deeply, reminding himself that Keith is in the same room. Right now is not a time to break down, to rethink all of his faults. “I just never understood it, y’know?”

But Keith didn’t know. Even if Keith didn’t grow up with a proper family, he has Shiro and Shiro’s family to teach him about love. To teach him how wonderful it is and how precious it is. “Understood your ex’s actions?”

“Love,” Lance whisper, throwing the bag in his hands on the floor. Lance always hate messes, scold his friends when they leave empty chip bags on his floor. But Lance couldn’t bring himself to care. For the first time, he was finally going to say what he felt about love. “It’s weird, everything about love it is weird. The ‘being best friends’ while hiding things about yourself because you’re scared they’ll leave. The needing to always together do something no matter what, getting confused glances when you suggest doing something without them.”

Lance took a deep breath, trying to collect his thoughts. How can he explain something so complicated? Why couldn’t he think of the words? There has to be something, anything to stop Keith from looking at him with pity. 

Lance looked at his coffee table, where stacks of letters were placed messily. There was a brochure to that mental health center that Lance stopped at before. At one point, Lance was beating himself up for never looking for help. Avoiding to talk or explain himself to others, assuming that everything was perfect the way it was.

But Lance was lying. He was aware of the daydreams that occur where he’ll be happy and have a proper family, where he can finally function normally. Which was why he stopped the nearby center, wondering what the hell was he doing. After sitting down in the lobby and avoiding any eye contact with the staffers, Lance decided to go through the stack or brochures.

There were all types of mental illnesses listed, each one bringing an edge of panic when he realized he wasn’t sure exactly what he had. 

But when he found a certain brochure, he stared at it as if it had all the answers. Lance was sure minutes passed before he decided to swipe it with him as he left. 

_ Intimacy Avoidance. _

“My parents weren’t the best,” Lance refused to make eye contact as he steps closer to the coffee table. “They never hurt me, but they did hurt each other. Well, they did until my father left. My mom was so broken afterward. She used to laugh loudly and smile so bright that my eyes would hurt, but now she’s so very careful about everything.”

Taking a shaky hand, Lance reaches for the brochure. He was aware of the eyes on him, how it watch Lance’s every move. Coughing awkwardly as he opens the brochure, he brought it closer to himself. “Which is why I avoided any intimacy with anyone, but I’m trying to get help… Mainly because I finally realized how big of a problem it is.” 

Lance could not look at his friend in the eye. He tried to calm his beating heart, trying to rethink what he could add on to, regretting saying anything, and waiting for some sort of reaction. Maybe he said too much? Keith probably will tell everyone else and then his friends will just look at him weirdly. Maybe this new fault will make them see how worthless he is?

Just the thought made his skin crawl.

“Lance,” a hand awkwardly touched his shoulder, slowly adding pressure as if getting him a chance to pull away. “I’m so sorry you had to go through this on your own till now.” 

Lance’s knees felt weak, suddenly aware of how this was the first time he shared any of his thoughts. It was always, ‘Matt brought their dog to a spa’ or ‘Hunk will think this idea is awful and Shiro will be disappointed, but they will still be our friends afterward’. There was never a time he tried to get a heart to heart conversation and speak of his issues. 

He was always there to listen to other problems, there to make them laugh, and there to just exist.

“Maybe I can help you when you talk to the others,” Keith spoke slowly, his voice low and soothing as if he was speaking to a scared animal. “But there’s no rush right now, we can go in your pace.”

“I think, um,” Lance is all too nervous for this talk. Maybe he shouldn’t have spoken, but it’s too late and everything is out in the open. “I’m good-good to talk to others. But it would mean a lot if you came with me. I might try to bail and I really want them to know. 

Keith smiled and Lance felt relieved, just enough to make it easier to breathe. His skin felt slightly too tight and there’s pressure built up in his chest, but Lance focused on Keith’s smile. Maybe things can be okay for him.

_________

Keith texted everyone to meet up in Lance’s house. Everyone was quick to arrive. 

As soon as Lance spoke up, everyone gave him a hug. They never would have guessed but they were proud that he was finally getting the help he needed. 

No one noticed when Shiro was whispering to Keith. No one noticed the sad smile Keith gave to Lance’s direction. Shiro was the only one to see his younger brother’s adoring gaze and how softly he spoke his words. “Right now, his recovery is more important than anything else.”

Miles away, there are welting red roses in Keith’s apartment.  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> There's was different ways I wanted to write this out. There was the 'I experienced a suffocating relationship and now I'm scared of going in another' route that I was going to write, but then I realized I wanted to show how it's easy to have your childhood fuck you up. Which lead to this. 
> 
> I'm a little concern I might have Intimacy Avoidance so I decided to play the idea onto Lance. Difference? I know I want to have a relationship and Lance tries to convince himself he doesn't. Too bad that our minds fuck us up sometimes.
> 
> Lowkey, I rushed the ending part.


End file.
